My Thoughts Through Ink & Thread

I just finished watching Saints and Soldiers, such an amazing movie.
It’s funny, I hate war, but I love war movies. There’s some much emotion portrayed, and it’s one of the few times I get drawn into a movie and begin to feel certain emotions. Movies like these really do inspire me to do better in life, because honestly, I’m not in that same position as they are and I should be grateful to God that it wasn’t my calling.

I’m inspired to turn a page on my violent side, no more fighting, no more violence, no more hostility. Embrace every brother as if they were your own, no matter what. I truly hope that I can keep myself in check and remind myself of this decision, but I know it’s going to be hard, there’s a lot of people who’ve hurt me and strive to see me hurt, and I would love to do nothing more than just sock one in their mouth, but I need to hold myself back…

Another thing, I hate this thought process of Thanatophobia that I have. I’m so scared of dying, and I’m so scared of being old, I don’t want it to happen, I don’t want to age, I want to stay 19 forever, and the older I get, the more I fear for my future. I think Jose said it best as to why he doesn’t want to get old. Ugh, it’s scary, maybe my mindset will change in two decades, but for now, I’m scared.
Sure, I believe in Heaven, and I hope to God that I will be spared and saved. But… what if, yanno? I’m afraid to die and find out, that’s it, it’s over. Sure I’ll say, I can die with no regrets, but I enjoy living, I love being conscience, I find no misery in life, as apathetic as I am, I am still grateful for the oxygen I breath and the life that I live.

I hope to God that I’m not living a lie, I have faith, but I really am scared, that’s what keeps awake at night… not knowing.

Ignorance is not bliss.

I often wonder if I’m actually liked by people or if it’s a facade. Are people friends with me because I am of use to them, or do they really just enjoy my company and character, these are one of the thoughts that encircle my mind everyday. I’m so worried about what others think about me at times to the point where it kills me over and over.
I see other friends of mine, where people are just dying to keep in touch with them and hang out with them. But then I look at myself, I’m hardly honored with a text message, phone call, or instant message anymore. My phone used to blow up to the point of annoyance, now I sort of miss it. I’ve lost and gained a lot of friends in the past year and 08/09 has been a BIG learning experience and transitional period in my life. I’ve become darker, colder, and much more apathetic than I ever hoped to become, I look back at my old lyrics where I’ve always said
“Hey, stop being so negative, there’s more things to look forward to in life.”
lyrics like “Just pull yourself together and let’s take it from the top and just keep this movement going till the fabrication stops”
or
“I know you feel like you’ve got the weight of the world strapped right on your shoulders, but don’t back down.”
to lyrics like
“My apathy is what’s slowly killing me on the inside and pulling me away from you”
and
“The waves were crashing like the world inside my head. For once I feel there’s no bliss in ignorance. For what I’ve yet to learn, is what keeps me awake with fright. I toss and turn, God forsake these sleepless nights..”

I see myself transitioning into a much more serious version of myself. Maybe this is what maturing is all about. If maturing is about darkening as a person, I don’t like it one bit. I see a beautiful world slowly being destroyed, and my heart a long with it all. Save me.

Fact: Musicians are not happy people. We are all people of a naturally depressed nature with slight moments of happiness.

And these are the moments we really cherish.

I have fallen from you again
But I swear I won’t fall away from grace.
The sky is burning, and I am lost.
Just keep me close to you, and I swear I won’t stray.

Slowly doubt anchors my mind my conscience; lost,
as I’m falling further away from you.
Slowly doubt anchors my heart your voice is gone,
as I’m falling further away from you..
I’ll compromise

I’m receiving signs from satellites,
They’ll be my guides so I won’t stray away
Tell me when I’m at the line that meets the loss
Tell me when I’ve gone too far,
I won’t stray away.

Hold me now, I’m slowly withering away
I am lost, just help me pull it together
will I find my way home back?
Give me the strength to break away.
Lord, this is all I ask

Oh I can hardly breath now (Don’t give up on me)
I’m losing strength (Don’t give up on me just yet)
I am lost when will I be found? (Don’t give up on me just yet)
tell me because

As I look towards a new direction,
as we have many times before.
I know we can’t go wrong,
just look me in the eye
and tell me where to go.

I know at times I just feel the need to run away
But I’m receiving satellites to ensure I will stay
Just tell me when I’ve crossed the line,
the line that meets the loss.

My heart, my hands
have been surrendered to you.
And I trust the decisions I’ve made,
But my doubts are slowly beginning to rise,
and I ask that you lead me to your grace.

Will I find my way with the words I speak?
I hear the sound of soft whispers in modest ears,
singing sweet words of misery, words that men can’t hear.
It’s serendipitous to the touch, but not the feel.
Until I can surrender myself, wont you catch me?
Because im falling.
Give me a chance to explain, how nothing is the same as before
I feel the end is near, won’t you spare my soul?
More and more I feel I’m slowly slipping away
and I can’t seem to find myself anymore
I can see you, standing at the edge
as I’m falling from your grace once again.

This part of the state is quiet
The fog has swallowed all the life from tonight and every house we pass. Well I don’t think these are places to call home.
I’ve been thinking depressing thoughts all week.
Would you miss my songs? Would you kiss my cheek?
If I just up and left, and let this car take me away.

Always, will you be Maine to me.
The northeast nights die early
when there’s no one in the seat right next to me.
I had the wheel, but you had the map.
You labeled all the places you wanted to see.
We’ll go there and bring back the memories.

Leave behind the parents,
the ones that always held our breath for us,
and always wanted us in their plane of view.
They want us home.

But no! We don’t go back to our other lives.
And no! We won’t come home
No! We don’t go back to our other lives.
No! We won’t come back down home.

Always, will you be Maine to me.
The northeast nights die early when there’s no one in the seat right next to me.

I had the wheel, (I promise to keep)
but you had the map. (a hand on your lap cause I cared enough)
You all labeled all the places you wanted to see.
We’ll go there and bring back the memories.(enough, enough)

I had the wheel, (I promise to keep)
but you had the map. (a hand on your lap cause Cause I swear it’s love,)
You labeled all the places you wanted to see.
We’ll go there and bring back the memories. (cause I swear it’s love.)

They’ll fly, the letters, and try, to get us,
they’ll fly, their letters and try to get us,
they’ll fly their letters…

But no! We don’t go back to our other lives.
And no! We won’t come back
But no! We don’t go back to our other lives.
No! We won’t come back down home, again

Always, will you be Maine to me. (Always will you remain with me)
The northeast nights die early,
when there’s no one in the seat right next to me.
I had the wheel, but you had the map.
You labeled all the places you wanted to see.
We’ll go there and bring back the memories.

I had the wheel, (I promise to keep)
but you had the map. (a hand on your lap cause Cause I swear it’s love,)
You all labeled all the places you wanted to see.
We’ll go there and bring back the memories.

Cause I swear it’s love.

Hold me now, I feel this ship is sinking.

Lord I know I am unworthy of your grace.
My heart had turned to stone, when your name was unknown to me.
Can I continue this way any longer?
I feel my knees are slowly growing weak; I will reconcile.

The waves were crashing like the world inside my head.
For once I feel that there is no bliss in ignorance.
For what I’ve yet to learn, is what keeps me awake with fright.
I toss and turn, God forsake these sleepless nights.

I’m tossing and turning,
as this ship is capsizing and slowly submerging and
I pray that we make it out alive.
For your sake I hope that we can make it out alive.

When will I find the truth that lingers?
When will my questions be answered?
When will I find purpose in my existence?
When will you show me a sign?
When will rescue ships be coming for me?
I’m slowly drowning and I can hardly breath.

Oh I’ve tried for so long just to my find direction, in a world filled with temptation.
Will I find you in the end or will I find myself short of salvation.
Receive me Lord, I am calling for you, when will you hear my prayer?
I am stranded on this ship alone, and though I’m unworthy, it’s you I await for.
Rescue me for I am lost again, I’ve been searching, and it’s just so hard to give up.

Dear savior, forgive me for I am lost.

Hey now, what have you got to lose?
You may have the right to choose,
but there are obvious decisions to be made.
And dear I fear there’s a war off in the distance,
and though your heart’s filled with persistence,
you’ve got more important decisions to make tonight.

Hold me now, temptation is seeping at the edge
and Lord I know this won’t be the last mistake that I make
tonight is a perfect example of the carelessness that human hearts carry
when rough decisions are to be made.

And if the world stops tonight, will there be angels in sight?
Will heaven call out my name, thought my heart is full of shame.

I’ve exposed myself to the core for you,
stripped bare and careless towards what I believe,
all in hopes that my heart heals by your touch,
need I be reminded my comfort shall not be granted
by your hands, but by His touch.

Oh Redeemer, I’ve been ascertained by imperfection
a simple slight blamed by temptation
Tonight my hands are stained with sin.

Here we go repeating the same mistake,
I’ve made so many times before,
when will I stop myself from this recklessness
I’ve preached against so many times before
It happens over and over and over again
and I swear I won’t stop till I see blood on my hands.

Here I lay exposed to the core
regretting every second of this mistake I’ve made
Repetition will be the end of me, and it’s now that I see
that lust will forever be my enemy.

Hello to all current and future readers, I have decided to make my own blog in order to post my thoughts and lyrics somewhere concrete. God only knows all my Facebook and Myspace friends are sick of me posting up everything that’s on my mind and all the lyrics that I write, so I rather post somewhere people would prefer to see my thoughts and lyrics.

I hope you enjoy all the lyrical work that I put up, I try to post finalized versions of just certain words that fly through my head. Thanks for reading and God Bless!

-Johnny Coobs